Every once in a while

Every once in a while I look around and try to decipher what exactly is this world.

I mean I have lived in it for a quarter of a centuary and yet there are so many things that I do not know, do not understand.

I do not know why some people are poor and why some rich. Why some polite and why some rude. Why some who can sleep soundly at night even though they just murdered someone 'part of their job' while some can't sleep if they shouted at a cat!

I wonder many a times what I, as a person truly want.
I just realised that I contradict myself so often

I wanted X but since I couldn't get it I walked away
I did not want Y but since I was told I will have to give up Y I said hell no!
I have X and I can have Y but what I want is Z!
So now I don't know what is it that I want-> X, Y or Z?!

Confusing? It is to me. I guess the truth is: I am plain lazy. What I really want is to do nothing. Nothing at all. At least as of this moment. I just want to sit back and let the world go by and be in this vacuum where I do not know what is happening and I do not care and it in no ways affects me or my life.

But this lazy spell is a wish like that of a time machine. One wishes for it but once practically realises at the back of their minds that it is going to get them no where. No Sir!

In turn I seem to make the people who care the most about me crazy. They get confused with me and my accusations.

You forced X on me!
Ofcourse I wanted Y what do you think??!!
All I ever wanted was to be Z but you never let me be!

I might just discover a mathematical theory if I prude some more on my X Y Z...

So yes, every once in a while I think back and I just can't figure myself out.
and what life cheekily post's on my forehead is... will I ever figure myself out?