What is an engagement?

As a Muslim child around the age of adolescence I used to see my sister and my sister's friend get proposals. I used to think it was kind of cute. Once I was a silent observer of a proposal.

It was during Moharram 1993. I was in 6th grade. That year, His Holiness Syedna Mohammed Burhanuddin had decided to do the 10 days of sermon in Mombasa, the town from where I hail. We, as the host, were into various services like health care, serving food, transportation, accommodation for all the faithful who had gathered to remember the great sacrifice of Imam Husain (A.S.)

After the 14th of Moharram, His Holiness performs nikah for a number of young couples. People from all over the world come and a mass marriage we call samu-nikah is performed. Last time in Mumbai 786 nikahs were performed! Its usually at this time that young men and their families also take the plunge to find a match and get married pronto.

I was as an eleven year old in the serving department. Usually we would serve hundreds of people before having our dinner and heading back home at around 10.00 p.m. On this occasion, I had finished my dinner and was waiting outside for my sister to join me so that we'd walk home together. I saw three young men may be in their twenty's come near where I was standing. Two of them were encouraging the third to go on and talk to the girl. The third one obviously needed the support of his friends. He was about to propose to a girl whom he may have seen and liked. I turned and saw their object of attainment. It was one of girls whom we considered very pretty. She wore her shoes and was walking away when the third guy pulled away from his group of friends and followed her. A few steps away he said "Excuse me" The girl turned politely and kept her head bowed. Out of shyness or may be she knew his intention. The boy says "My name is ______ and I am a _________ I am from ________ and I am interested in marrying you. If you're interested, please give me your father's contact and I will ask my parents to talk to your parents"

The girl, who if committed says "I'm sorry I am already committed"
And if she is not committed but does not like the man still says "I'm sorry I am already committed"
And if the girl is interested she smiles and gives her fathers number and walks away.

Isn't that the sweetest of all ways to proposing someone you happen to see and think, you know what, I think she is my life-partner?

Lots of girls, especially from the small town I hail and from the muslim community I come from still dream that a dashing pious boy will come up to them and say "Excuse me... will you marry me?"

Islamically, when you think of an engagement, it is basically an agreement between two families who decide to get their children married. They let their children meet once and talk to see if they 'click' usually a meeting can be 10 mins or 2 hours. Then there might be a second or a third but usually both families expect the two young hearts to make up their mind at the most in the 3rd meeting.

In the earlier days, engaged couples would never meet until their wedding day. They just knew "O.K. that is the person I am going to marry." No talking over the phone or going out for dinner. Today, however, the scene has changed. Engagement is half marriage and in some cases I'm afraid, full.

Engaged couples talk hours and hours over the phone, meet every weekend (with the permission of their parents), go out for dinner, visit each other if they are an out-of-town couple, chat online, email lots of non-sensical sentiments and do the wedding shopping together. Among the non-orthodox, there could even be a physical relation e.g., a hug or a kiss or...

The question to ask is... What truly is an engagement?

Is it the classic Vivah example? Of course two strangers may like each other instantly. There is a low probability but it is there. Especially when the guy is rich and handsome. The girl is from a small town, spiritual and knows how to cook. Why not? However the whole thing of no mobile in this age, no chatting, and drinking 'Jutah' water in this age did not go well with the urban youth. Small town India; yes. Men who want wives like that, yes. Women who want rich and handsome husbands who won't leave them if they are burned to coal, I suppose yes, the film will appeal to them. The city youth that I encountered though made just fun at each scene. "Muje haq hain" became the butt of jokes.

In my opinion what truly would be an ideal engagement would be where both the girl and boy maintain some distance. Or abstain from physical contact. An engagement is a period to know a little and not a lot. To wonder much and think a lot. To long for companionship but to get it in doses. A look, a glance that says 'Wow, I am going to marry her!" A smile that hides and shows the happiness of the heart. A time when one longs to be married. A time that will be looked back when old and grey and think of all the initial excitement. The partings, the little notes (in our case sms). Getting to know of two families. The first few gifts that give immense pleasure.

Yes, truly an engagement can be made memorable. But it takes two like minds. It’s always good to know something (and obvious all good) about your partner whom you are to marry. But know only little for much might not appeal you and much might lead to doubts and much might lead to break ups.

And with that... I arrive at my definition of engagement:

Engagement is nothing but a little sweetness promising a lot of happiness for a lifetime.