THE FRIENDSHIP is...

A friend of mine requested me to write something on this topic. This is what the email said:

I would like to request something form your side which is some what critical but I know that you can do it… as you covered so many topics and focused all the things in your blog… please write on this topic: THE FRIENDSHIP …. Because I always confused with this and make the mistakes in my friends circle …….I am expecting (sorry, because u don’t like any expectation!!!)

Hint: Undoubtedly a good friend of mine who has a lot of expectations from me!

Actually, his request makes sense. What is friendship? Have we ever sat down and analysed. We claim so and so to be a friend of mine, or very good friend or best friend. How do we measure friendship? How do we grade them into so-so, friend, good friend, very good friend or best friend?

It makes me go back to my childhood. The first friend I had was Arwa in first standard. She and I were neighbours within half a km. She had a greater presence and personality. She would decide on which van we would take home, how we would spend our money, where we would go, what we would eat etc etc. I didn't mind. I liked her company. I let her make all the decisions.
Then I changed school and I didn't have a close friend till 7Th standard. Nahida's best friend Rashida had changed schools so the only other Indian she befriended was me. Soon we were like peas and carrots. Nahida at that time would stop talking on any little matter that made her angry. I told her that and I was in a way her calming factor. There was a time in 8Th standard when I knew she was in a fowl mood but I cheekily irritated her. Prompt came her "Don't ever talk to me again!" and I didn't. Until two weeks when while climbing down the stairs she smiled, blushed and told me "Alefyah I am waiting for you downstairs." We always walked home together.

Nahida went to a different high school with my other good friend Husseina. I became friends with two of my classmates: Arzeena and Husseina who also happened to be my 2nd cousin. Arzeena wasn't attached to us. She talked to me coz I guess we were indians and you have that bond with someone from the same soil. She left in 10Th but we kept in touch with her till she got married. After she got married I wrote to her a few times but she said she would never reply. Odd? I thought so. I stopped writing.

My cousin Husseina and I developed a bond. I was still in touch with Nahida and we would meet on Saturday, go round the town, to the same old stationery shops and then have cake and sugarcane juice before returning home. Mombasa is a small town with simple pleasures. My other childhood friend Husseina with whom I spent 90% of my time from 4th- 8th standard became a little distant in high school. She left the country in 10th and from then onwards there was little contact between us till recently when we discovered Internet.

I have to admit that I love my friends. I cannot live without friends. I constantly crave for a friend at all moments of life. Alhamdullilah, I have never been without a friend.

When I arrived in India, I found Shweta, Elizabeth, Anju, Rekha, Ranjana, Shibu, Arwa, Murtaza, Devendra, Sharay. I lost my friend Rahman in a bike accident. I found a friend in my Masi Rashida, in my Bhabhi Ummi.

Though these were friends I chose, I was born in a family where I had a friend in my father, my mom and sister. My father fell in love with me when I was born. He for some reason just cannot refuse me anything. My mom was my disciplinarian. It was when I reached high school that we became friends and no more mother and child. My sis and I grew close after my degree. We would sit and chat on all dimensions. We still have our differences and I am very sensitive towards any opinion that is not in favour of mine :), haha, but I value hers. If I want a reality check, I go to her.

To come back to the question posed to me: What is friendship?

Friendship has different meanings, it takes different forms, its different in nature and it differs from person to person.

a) Seasonal friendship

This one can say are most kinds of friendship. You make them because of the time and proximity. Friends in school coz you go to the same school, friends in the same boarding, in the same company or same college. Once, the time comes to leave, you leave behind your friends. Move ahead and find new ones. They again fill in for the time being and with time, get left behind.

b) Unconditional friendship

Rare to find and if you have found one- you are blessed. This friendships do not demand your attention, time or love. These friends love you for just who you are, wherever you are, whether you are in touch or not. You just need to make a call and they'd be there by your side, if not physically, spiritually. Years may go by without meeting your friend, but while crossing the zebra crossing you meet them suddenly, you forget the red signal and become excited at seeing them. You become happy and catch up on the years and when the time comes to part, you part with a smile.

c) Conditional friendship

Made with an aim or agenda. Networking with business people, social groups, the community so that you fit in, you know whose who, you know whom to go to to get your work done. You may give them a compliment but just to make them happy and keep them happy till you need them. You spend time with them, not because you want to but you have to. There isn't a genuine concern for them but there isn't a ill feeling either. It's pure business.

d) One-sided friendship

This friendship is where one friend genuinely cares, loves and admires his friend. But his friend does not feel the same for him. The admirer wants to be with his friend, he likes the way the friend talks, carries himself, his attitude etc. He feels that by being with such a friend, he will become like his friend. In other words, he just feels good being with the person.
At the back of the mind though, he knows that his friend doesn't care for him as much as he does. He may continue with this friendship but a time will come when he will expect the same kind of devotion that he has from his friend. When he does not get it, he will either turn angry, jealous or walk away. Very rare do such one-sided friendship last.

There is beautiful quote that says "Friendship is one soul in two bodies". I genuinely believe it. One cannot force themselves to be some one's friend. You automatically recognise your soul in another person. Mirror images, alter-ego's call them what you may, but there is a chemistry, a link that gives you access to the other person's thoughts and feelings without him saying a word.

All people go through all types of friendships. I have had seasonal friends, unconditional friends, I have made friends to network (which I stopped doing coz I hated it but I am told I have to if I want to build a business). I have also been in a one-sided friendship where I admired my friend so much and so dearly but unfortunately, did not get the same feeling. I know it hurts but I understand. You can't force someone to have the same level of feelings for you as you have for them.

I have been in a friendship where someone has been the one-sided friend and admired me genuinely but I for do not feel the same way for her. She also accepted it but luckily for me, she became my unconditional friend instead of walking away from me.

I have also seen jealousy in friendship. One friend does not like the friend of his friend. Jealousy is a very dirty mistress. It destroys relationships and definitely destroys friendship. People get tired of avoiding talking about a certain friend with the other friend so that he does not feel uncomfortable or plain words - jealous. In hindi if you ask me, jealousy's closes translation would be 'nazar'. to eye another in a bad way, wishing ill to them. Jealousy is a feeling that is also not controllable. It comes naturally just as love or hatred. It takes courage to curb it and not show it. In this case, its the jealous friend who becomes the villain and is soon left out. He looses his friend to the friend whom he does not like. Any friendship that has an element of jealousy is not a healthy friendship. A lot of accusations, ill-feelings and misunderstanding prop up. Remember, friends are there to make you happy. They are there to pull you up when you are down, there to guide you to the right path when you are lost. There just there. A friend is not one who makes you uncomfortable and guilty. We have our bosses and our failures to do that.

Conclusion: The Friendship is nothing but the never ending ring of two souls uniting.